


In Every Moment We Are Still Alive

by TwilightMaster15



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Light Has Feelings, Manipulation, Self-Hatred, Waiting For Death, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24269944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightMaster15/pseuds/TwilightMaster15
Summary: There was a line Light refused to cross—he would not let his father get killed because of Kira. That was a promise he had made to himself as a method of keeping himself in check. If given a chance, he would not allow his father to make the eye deal with Ryuk, manipulating the task force to let Matsuda take the Shinigami eyes instead.He had known Matsuda had to die in thirteen days. However, after his father's unexpected death, regardless of his efforts, he finds himself saddened and almost guilty, having to lose two people he was close to, wishing things could have been different.Matsuda tries to figure out what he wants with the final thirteen days he has left, and his magic eyes. Did he even have enough time to use his eyes to help the case? But at the same time, he has to battle the constant urge to use the Death Note, both from the pull of the notebook and his own wish not to die.With the thirteen-day rule close to being proven and nobody knows about the false rules, Near finds himself stuck in a situation where Light can't possibly be Kira. If he wants to defeat Kira, he will have to work with Matt, who is determined to avenge Mello's death. Will that be enough to take down Kira once and for all?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I saw on Tumblr, someone wanted a fic in which Matsuda takes the eyes instead of Soichiro. Anyone who is a regular on my account will know that ruining lives is my speciality, so I naturally had to accept this challenge.

Light looked down at the floor, attempting to hide his hatred for the situation at hand. This was necessary, he knew, but that didn't mean he liked it. What was it with L and those associated with him being hindrances at every turn? He supposed there was a chance the successors were simply trying to avenge L's death, but as he was L's killer by proxy, this was massively frustrating.

Though he had to admit, it was amusing how calm the task force was with a new Shinigami in headquarters. The last God of Death they interacted with had killed their boss, but apparently, there was no apprehension involving that whatsoever. And it gave him hope that his father and the task force really could have a place in his perfect world if they were so nonchalant about having Ryuk around. All things considered, he didn't hate them—he would kill them if he had to, but he would have done so years ago if he had planned to kill them just for the hell of it.

"But still," Ide was the first to point out the first issue at hand, "Knowing the time of death for these guys isn't going to be enough to make our move.

"Ide..." Matsuda stammered, "I think we both know what needs to be done." He looked towards Ryuk, "We get the Shinigami to follow us in and—and we do the deal for the eyes and make sure they're all dead, right?"

There was a tense silence among them, and Light took this time to examine the room and all of his coworkers, trying to see which of them he would miss the least and could use as a sacrifice for the eyes. Then he remembered the false 13-day rule, and his momentary hopes of finally having an excuse to be rid of Misa were gone.

But all dashed hopes aside, who was going to be the most likely person to offer? Hm... Light supposed that Matsuda would be the most likely, since—

"I will make the deal for the eyes."

_Wait, what?_

Light looked with wide eyes towards his dejected father, who had his head bowed. No, surely he heard wrong. This wasn't right, _no way!_

"No way, Chief," Matsuda pleaded, "Let me be the one to do it!"

Light momentarily found himself completely frozen, mind blank at the idea of his father...

"I was responsible for handing over the notebook in the first place." His father explained, "Since that moment, I've been unable to live with what I've done. I've even thought of killing myself. I'll use the notebook to kill any criminals who try to stop us. And then, after 13 days, I'll die as well."

_If Dad writes a name in the notebook, then... when the time comes..._

Then anger as he thought over his father's words again, and a tiny flicker of hope, praying he could use this. He didn't care how many people he had to manipulate, he had been doing it for years, and it came as naturally as breathing. He had vowed to himself that he wouldn't let his father get hurt because of Kira. While his morals had been slipping lately, like when he had debated killing Sayu, hearing the idea his own father had contemplated suicide was something that brought it all back.

"No." Light growled at his father, letting his anger be seen as he stormed up to his father, glaring with such ferocity that everyone in the room was a little afraid and backing away slowly, having never seen this side of Light before. "You have no right to check out now, not when I—not when Mom or _Sayu_ —need you! I'm not letting you leave us because you're feeling guilty about saving Sayu!" He said this bluntly, which made the point hit home even more, and his father flinched. Yes, emotion vulnerability and bluntness was the way to go here. Light shed a few tears, disturbed as he didn't know if they were fake or not. 

He knew that if he kept up with this, Matsuda was going to offer again. Was it too much to hope that Aizawa or Mogi or Ide would take the eyes? Of the members of the task force, Light saw his father and Matsuda as the least of a hindrance.

Ryuk began cackling, and Light glared, "What's so funny?" The Shinigami continued to laugh,

"You humans are so interesting." What else had Light expected? That was almost always Ryuk's answer.

"Light," his father put his hands on Light's shoulders, "I don't expect you to understand, but someone has to do this regardless." Light began to tremble, and while the words said next were lies, the fact he was on the brink of tears was dreadfully not. 

"Then, I'll take the eyes!" That exclamation had everyone, including Ryuk, shocked. Light looked down, his bangs concealing his face to hide the small smirk on his face as he heard the cries of outrage and horror from everyone else.

"Light, no!" His father pleaded, and Ryuk was watching with fascination, "Why would you possibly think that's a good idea?!"

"I'm a terrible replacement for L anyway, so I might as well." 

Silence for a moment, nobody knowing what to say. Light looked up a bit and saw that Ryuk had just caught on to what was actually happening, and that Light was manipulating everybody.

"Light, no," It was Matsuda who spoke, turning him, so their eyes met, "I can make the same argument you did for your father as a reason it shouldn't be you. All of you guys," he gestured around to the task force, "Have something or someone you're fighting for, not just justice. I... I'm not like that. You and your Dad both need to be there for your family." 

There was still protest, but Light changed his body language to say he was reluctantly giving in, "Okay..." he whispered, "I don't like this." 

"None of us do," Matsuda assured him, and the two hugged. Everyone else looked to each other, unsure of how to react, and because of this, they all trusted this hug Matsuda was giving Light.

Big mistake.

For none of them could see the dark smirk on Light's face, reveling in his victory and how it was much easier than he had anticipated—he had honesty expected to need to do a bit more. That said, he wasn't complaining. It was a shame Matsuda was to do it and not someone like Aizawa who could start suspecting him again at the drop of a hat.

But it had also been a shame L had to die, and had that stopped him?

OoOoO

_"Report, is everybody ready to move in?"_ The task force heard through their respective earpieces as Light checked in on them. Matsuda held the Death Note in gloved hands, reminding himself that he had to do this. He was the weak link of the task force—the idiot of the group that nobody would miss. Maybe they would be able to work better with him gone; at least that was what he told himself, so he didn't back down, and the Deputy Director paid the price for his cowardice.

"Roger." He said softly, knots forming in his stomach uncomfortably.

 _"Alright, Officer Matsuda..."_ he heard Light's breath hitch, _"Make the eye deal with the Shinigami."_

He felt Mr. Yagami put a hand on his shoulder, "Matsuda..."

"No, Chief, I'm doing it." Matsuda insisted firmly, "You need all of your lifespan for your family." He looked up at the Shinigami, "Ryuk, I'm ready." Ryuk turned,

"Sure thing!" Ryuk's eyes turned pure red, and he grabbed Matsuda's face with a large hand, and Matsuda feared for a split second that his heart had stopped beating from the sheer terror of that experience. But then he noticed that everything he saw had a reddish tint to it.

 _"Once you're finished,"_ Light said to them through the earpiece, _"I want you to look at the photographs of the criminals I gave you. Can you see their names and lifespans?"_ Matsuda pulled out the pictures, curious about how obscure those numbers were, yet somehow he knew what they meant.

"Mhm."

_"Their names and lifespans should disappear soon. That's your cue."_

If the vanishing of the names and lifespans a few moments later hadn't made it clear these men were dying, the screams from inside would have gotten the job done just fine. 

"Everyone, move in!"

For an armed raid, it was easy. Only a handful of the mafia members were alive, and it didn't take much to overpower them. Matsuda saw the other notebook and fired his gun into the man's hand with expert precision, gaining increasing hope that maybe he wouldn't need to write any names. Half of his lifespan was gone, but that was better than only having thirteen days left to live. Besides, these eyes could benefit the investigation if he never wrote a name.

"L, we've apprehended two of the criminals. We've also been able to secure the notebook." Mr. Yagami announced, and Matsuda sighed with relief as Aizawa added on that they would begin withdrawing.

Light's next words made Matsuda tense as dread seeped into his stomach.

_"Not yet. Keep going. We still haven't found anyone who resembles our picture of Mello. That means he must be hiding somewhere in the building. We've come this far. Let's finish this—do a thorough search."_

"Alright..." Matsuda looked up, "Deputy Director, you and me?" Mr. Yagami nodded, holding the second notebook,

"This way, Mello won't know which one of us would be writing a name." 

They went upstairs, looking around until they found themselves in an ominously dark and dusty room, which looked like something right out of a horror movie, and a monster was about to jumpscare them once the music started playing.

Well, it wasn't a monster that did the jumpscare, instead a small 'click' and then the sounds of multiple booming explosives, which made Matsuda's ears ring.

"What was that?!" Matsuda turned back, but before he and Mr. Yagami could go and check if the others were okay, there was a voice behind them.

"Don't move. I've already blown up the two entrances to this place. This will be your only warning. The next explosion will take out the entire building as well as all your men inside, so you better do as I say." Matsuda slowly turned back and saw a computer was creating some illumination, and Matsuda's eyes locked on Mello's name, the one who had kidnapped Sayu:

Miheal Keehl.

Part of him wanted to be all dramatic and reveal he knew this. However, while he knew he was an idiot, he was smart enough to know that if he wanted this to work, he needed to be subtle, writing quickly enough for a situation in which nobody gets hurt, and writing the first name in a detached manner. He had read the rules in their Death Note countless times over the last five years, the theorizing of ways Kira could find loopholes, so he knew how this worked.

He also noticed as he was doing this, he was ignored—this did not come as a shock, and if anything, it was useful.

"Yagami again, huh? Maybe I should have killed you when I had the chance. History repeats itself, except it seems this time you're not alone. But I never dreamed in a million years that I'd be bargaining for the notebook with you again."

"It's over, Mello." Soichiro replied, holding one of the notebooks in such a way as though he was going to be the one writing, to make this easier for Matsuda to go unnoticed, "It's time to turn yourself in. If you give up, we won't kill you. You have my word on that, and I'm sure Matsuda agrees."

 _Yes, I do agree. If I write a name..._

And as he started writing the surname, knowing he was two letters away from killing this young man whose lifespan permitted so much more time in this world, he realized this was more than just his own life he was afraid for. Yes, Miheal was a bad person, but this was still murder, and the first time Matsuda would ever have killed someone. He had heard from the other officers that needing to make a kill was required sometimes, but he had never imagined it would be like this.

If he did this... was he any better than Kira? He felt sick as the Deputy Director tried to talk Miheal down, so this wasn't needed.

"Miheal... Keeh..." he hesitated on the last letter, just in case Miheal did stand down. But Matsuda was more observant than people gave him credit for, and he knew... "Does not press trigger," he had noticed a trigger probably to that bomb mentioned earlier, which could kill them all, "And dies unable to react." He looked up, taking note of the fact one of the men supposedly dead on the floor was breathing. He couldn't see the man's face, though, so he didn't know the name to write down to be safe. Could he make a move over there, or would that draw too much attention to him? Would that be justice or murder to go over there and end a down man's life?

"I'm truly sorry." Miheal said, "For what it's worth, I give you my word that I never wanted to kill you."

That was the moment Matsuda decided that there was no point in trying to do this peacefully, horrified by the pleasant pull from the notebook in his hand, almost like a siren song, urging to write that final letter.

He did. He stared at that full name in the Death Note, what he had just done—the life he had just taken. And for a moment, he realized he was a murderer, and maybe he deserved to die in thirteen days.

He flipped the notebook, showing everyone in the room what he had done, "Miheal, I'm sorry." He said softly, but in truth, after what was done to Sayu, and hearing both the Deputy Director and especially Light, the youngest of them, ready to throw away their lives for this, he didn't regret it as much as he knew he should.

Miheal's eyes widened, with a lot of emotions in those eyes, chief among them being sheer disbelief, having honestly believed the officers wouldn't dare, "What?!"

He went quiet, his knees buckling, and crumpled into a heap on the ground. Matsuda dove to catch the trigger in the young man's hand, so it didn't activate, and he set it gently on the table, staring at Miheal's wide eyes, still open even though the life within was gone.

He let out a choked sob. No matter how many times he had seen a dead body, it never got easier and remembering that this was a successor of L—a fallen friend—made it even worse. What if L was related to this boy who lay lifeless on the ground? What if they were close? He felt like he had just betrayed L...

He continued crying for a moment, but then he heard Soichiro yell his name as that guy who had been laying on the floor suddenly got up with a gun and went to fire at Matsuda, but Soichiro dove for him, shielding Matsuda from the bullets by taking the brunt of them. 

"Deputy Director!" And if Matsuda hadn't been literally seeing red before, he would be metaphorically doing it now, forgetting about the corpse momentarily. With a flick of his pen, that man was no more. He hadn't even registered the name before it was on the paper. He then bent down to Soichiro's side, shaking him desperately, "Hey, come on!"

He heard the rest of the task force come in, taking a look at the scene before them, of Matsuda trying to hoist the Deputy Director up and two corpses in the room.

"Matsuda..." He heard Aizawa's almost fearful voice, clearly asking if... he nodded wordlessly and then looked back at Mr. Yagami,

"I need help carrying him!"

 _"What's going on?!"_ Light asked through the earpiece, _"Dad?"_

"I'm alright, Light," Soichiro assured softly, still unable to stand on his own. "But it's done. The notebook is recovered, and Mello is dead." He then passed out, and Matsuda tried to keep Light from panicking,

"Your Dad took the blows for me, but—but he still has the bulletproof vest on. We'll meet you at the hospital."

_"Okay..."_

...

Light was unsure whether to celebrate or to panic, knowing his father had gotten hurt. But he had won! Mello was dead, and any secrets known by L's former successor were gone now, and no way for Near to discover anything.

He looked at Misa, who was gazing at him curiously, "Misa, I'm headed to the hospital. Have some wine ready when I get back." Whether it was victory wine or something else... he didn't know. 

Five years and not even yet six days since L had died. It was almost funny how soon after month-wise, his successor had followed.

As he called an uber to get to the hospital, he clenched his fists, thinking back on the eccentric detective he typically worked so hard to keep out of his mind. Most of the time, he could forget his nemesis had ever existed. However, with the reawakening of his emotions outside mind-numbing boredom and despair that had begun to plague him, that was currently impossible.

He readjusted the corset he had taken to using to keep the Death Note in place against his torso, as it had started getting uncomfortable. Not the owner, but he needed this to keep his memories. 

During the drive, he did his best to keep unnecessary and irritating feelings buried in the deepest, darkest recesses of his mind where they belonged and had been locked away for five years.

Making it to the hospital a few minutes later, he was greeted by the others, and Light waited for the doctor to let him see his father. Matsuda smiled a bit even though his expression was very clearly haunted, which had Light giving him an odd look,

"What?"

"Your lifespan," Matsuda replied, not elaborating, but Light figured it was the fact his lifespan was visible. He decided to remain silent.

At some point, he just grew tired and detached in his attempts to keep his emotions locked up, wanting to go on autopilot until he knew his father was going to be okay. 

L's face was the thing to greet him when he closed his eyes.

Nope. He was not going to put up with that right now—even when dead, that bastard detective knew how to appear at the worst time. The friend and maybe more if things had been different, who Light had had no choice but to damn to death.

He didn't know how long he spent trying to clear his mind and find something pleasant to think about, so he decided to get a coffee, to make himself zone out and go through the motions.

This led him back to the current situation, with a doctor talking to him, but to his growing horror, he was not saying that his father was going to get better, that he was a little banged up but would be fine.

"I am sorry, but your father is dying," the doctor who Light didn't bother to know the name of said. Light heard Ryuk laughing, and to his growing horror, he realized what was happening. The Shinigami had known how little lifespan his father had left as it was. There was a rule saying Ryuk wasn't allowed to tell humans such things, but there was still a small sense of betrayal.

Walking into the hospital room as though it was a mile per step, he found himself stepping back as though he had been physically struck at how frail his father looked, rushing to the man who had raised him and held his hand. Yes, emotions would be understood here, and it would be weird if he didn't show any, so he had to stop trying to suppress it.

"Come on, please, Dad, you can't die on me like this!"

His father opened his eyes a bit, "Light..."

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I..." his Dad's breathing got weaker, and Light grew frantic, unsure of what to do, having never prepared himself for this. Death was inevitable, but Light had grown so detached that the truth of the matter he would outlive his parents had never truly sunken in.

"You'll be fine, it's okay!" He insisted, more to himself than anything else. His father looked to Matsuda,

"Matsuda... what is Light's lifespan?" Matsuda paused before speaking,

"93312639."

"I didn't expect such obscure numbers," Ide murmured, and Matsuda shrugged. Light, having never heard his own lifespan before, found himself asking,

"What does that mean?"

"According to that Shinigami, Ryuk," his father cut in, "He cannot see the lifespan of someone who owns a notebook. You really aren't Kira. I'm so glad... my son..." That hadn't been what Light had meant. He had been asking how much time he had left, more things to attempt distracting himself with. 

Matsuda smiled a little, "Don't tell me you're still worried about that, Chief. Of course, he's not Kira." Light saw tears fall from his father's eyes,

"Matsuda, I'm so sorry... I should have taken the eyes if I was going to die anyway." The tension was almost tangible in the room as it sunk in fully this time that Matsuda was going to follow the Chief in less than two weeks.

His shoulders shaking, Light whimpered, "Come on, you shouldn't talk so much, Dad." 

"You're right..."

They all sat in silence, not uncomfortable, but there was so much everyone wanted to say but couldn't form the right words. Light held his father's hand, wishing that the rest of the family could be here, but that was impossible. All of this was so unfair. Light had been excited for that day to come that maybe he could convince his father of Kira being right, and they all live happily in the new world. It was a childish dream, but not one he had regretted wishing.

And after a little while, he heard his father's breath hitch and weaken even further, and Light's eyes widened, 

"D—Dad, no!"

One last smile towards him, "Light..."

The sound of a flatline filled the room, and Light was wide-eyed and shocked. All his life he had seen his father as this being who would never leave, he would always have his father working with him and guiding him. This couldn't be...

He didn't hear anything of doctors, saying they were sorry for the loss, or other task force members trying to console one another. All he could hear was his own heartbeat, and he could only see that his _father_ was _dead_. Momentarily he flashed back to L, another death he hadn't wanted.

That broke him even further, not caring anymore what anyone thought as he clung to his Dad, shaking him, 

"Dad! Wake up! Come on, damnit!" Tears spilled down his face, "Don't you die on me, you idiot! _DAD_!"

It was ugly and raw and feral, but he just didn't care. He should be happy about his victory with Mello, but that was far away from his mind, his sobs echoing through the room.

Yes, he had won, and maybe later, he would find it in him to rejoice, but at the moment, he wasn't sure it was worth it.


	2. Chapter 2

Light looked around the task force headquarters, "Hey, has anyone seen Matsuda? He's late." 

Of course, to the rising God, it didn't matter where the dead man walking was at. He knew what Matsuda's fate was going to be, and in thirteen days, even Near suggesting this rule being fake would be shot down, it would be too proven to risk.

And Light wouldn't have to do anything more than writing the name down. Thanks to Matsuda, soon nothing would be standing in the way of the new world.

It was a shame to have lost one of the three Death Notes he had used for five years, and Matsuda was the owner of the one that now was hidden in a safe behind part of the wall, but as soon as Matsuda breathed no more, he could find a way to be the one holding it. Make a show of trying to plead Matsuda to write a name to save himself, perhaps? After all, Matsuda was practically his older brother at this point with how his father had basically taken Matsuda under his wing. It would make sense that so soon after the death of his father, Light would be desperate. 

But while on the flight yesterday, he had realized a serious issue regarding Misa. Even if she had halved her lifespan twice, Rem had died for her and shared her remaining lifespan with Misa. There was no way of knowing how much that was, so Misa's lifespan could be hundreds of years, which would naturally be considered suspicious to Matsuda, who would say something.

There was no way to win, and with more excitement than even he had expected—and he had known from the day she had come into his house and demanded to date him, it would be a lot—Light realized that now might be the time he needed to stage an unfortunate accident for Misa. But how to do that as soon as possible without it seeming suspicious. And he would still be losing the Shinigami eyes unless he wanted to turn Matsuda to his side, which he supposed was possible, but too risky to attempt, and then there would be no point in killing Misa.

No... turning Matsuda to his side was impossible since he still needed to use Matsuda to prove the 13-day rule was legit. How disappointing.

Aizawa looked up before groaning, "Why does it matter where he is?"

Light's brow furrowed because while he too honestly didn't give a damn unless Matsuda was trying to find a way to foil his plans, it sounded a little strange coming from Aizawa, who had been a lot colder in the last day, "Is something going on, Aizawa?"

"Nothing," Aizawa muttered under his breath, getting back to work, "If you're so worried, go find him yourself." Mogi and Ide both sent Aizawa an odd look, but he ignored them, and at this point, Light's curiosity was starting to get to him. He had nothing better to do except for finally plot the death of the criminal he had as his roommate.

He called Matsuda, only to go to voicemail, and then he tracked the phone to get a location, "If none of you mind, I'm going to go talk to him."

"Take as much time as you need, Light," Mogi put a hand on his shoulder, and Light smiled hollowly, trying not to think about his father, but the image of that hospital and his father needing to believe a lie to die peacefully found its way back into his mind.

"Thanks," he whispered, looking back at them as he put on his jacket and headed out. It was disappointing, it really was, that most likely one day he would have to kill them.

He sighed as he got in his car, a gift from Misa for the first anniversary of their victory over L. He was capable of driving but had a passionate hatred for doing so. There were just so many morons on the road that it gave him anxiety being behind the wheel.

But this way, he would have more time to think and talk aloud about how he would go about the next twelve days.

OoOoO

It was hard to believe a day had passed already. 

Matsuda sat on the sand on Onjuku beach. It was late autumn, so for the most part, he was alone, watching the water that reflected a grey sky. Too much had changed in the last couple of years, and especially the last month, but at least the waves sounded the same.

Here, now, Matsuda rested, looking out at the curve of the world in the distance. He barely remembered making his way out here, sitting with the wind ruffling his hair, but he had.

It was a pleasantly warm day, regardless of the breeze. Matsuda's fingers were twitching slightly.

He bit the inside of his cheek. The breeze continued to press at his back as he watched the waves and wondered about the mysteries that lay deep within the waters.

The ocean made him also think of Ryuzaki.

Ryuzaki, the one he had loved. How it happened or in what way, he had no idea, and years ago he had laid in bed many a night wondering about it. He had decided to label is as admiration. Oddly enough, Ryuzaki's death hadn't really hit him that hard. Not at first, at least, because when it happened, everything seemed so surreal. But as time passed, he realized how real it was, and how much Ryuzaki's departure hurt. They say you never truly appreciate something until it's gone, right? Until you've lost it forever?

Years had passed, leaving him feeling like he had failed Ryuzaki by letting him die, by not dying instead. After all, he was painfully useless to the investigation, he knew this. If Ryuzaki had still been alive instead, they would be by far better off.

It was probably unhealthy, but as time had gone by, he began to adore Light more and more as a warped coping mechanism. He already lived vicariously through Light, who had a loving father, a family who was proud of him, he had found someone who loved him unconditionally, and he was a smart, bright, and rational individual. He was everything Matsuda ever wanted. He was the boy Matsuda wished to be but never was. 

And Light was the new L—he had wondered if this was his second chance. It had to be, right? It was his chance to show his dedication and not fail Light like he had failed Ryuzaki.

Well... he hadn't failed Light, but in the process, he had betrayed Ryuzaki by meddling in something he didn't understand and becoming no better than Kira.

Kira would have killed Mello for being a criminal and getting in his way. Matsuda may have been doing the deed to protect his friends, but it was the dreadful fact there had been fragments of a desire for revenge that left the only reason he felt guilty at all being Mello's connection to Ryuzaki.

And it scared him, the fact that without Ryuzaki, he wasn't sure he would feel anything at all about the life he had taken. The detective who had shown so little emotion had been the one to spark it in Matsuda now. Ironic, no?

Maybe it was a good thing that Death Note users couldn't go to heaven or hell, because he was a coward, and he didn't want to face Ryuzaki with what he had done to Miheal.

What would Ryuzaki say if he could see this? He would probably call Matsuda an idiot in that same tone he always did that even now he could hear echoing in his head. Though perhaps if Miheal had meant something to Ryuzaki, like being his successor would suggest, he would actually show emotion like that frightened little mewl, which was one of his last words in his final moments, seeing what had happened to Watari.

It was all that he could think of, absently checking his watch. Thirty-nine hours ago, the Chief had been alive, Miheal had been alive, and Matsuda had not been a dead man walking. 

273 hours left to live. Matsuda was to die November 24th just after midnight, like a twisted Cinderella tale. 

It was almost funny when he thought about it. He had known about the possibility of this for over a week before he did the deed, and he had thought he was ready to die. And he still was, but having a date of death before he had taken his final breath, which was creeping closer as each second passed, it brought a sense of existential dread, except there was no "what if."

"Matsuda?"

Matsuda jumped a bit and looked up, surprised to see Light standing there in his usual suit. Unlike Matsuda, he had bothered to get ready for work, so what was he doing out here? It was a 70 min drive, and Matsuda knew full well how much Light hated driving.

"Light..." he sat up a bit, memorizing those numbers floating above Light's head, proof of Light's innocence but at the same time confirmation of the clock ticking for Matsuda himself, "What are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you." Light replied, looking out at the water, "And I guess I needed a break from the case. Mind if I sit?"

"Go right ahead," Matsuda offered, sighing, "Sorry. I didn't bring a towel to sit on or anything."

"It's fine." Light looked out at the water, smiling a little bit, "It's been so long since I've gone to the beach." Matsuda turned, and his heightened vision made him see that Light's eyes were glossy with unshed tears, looking down at his watch, the gift from his father. 

Matsuda sighed, "Have you told Sachiko and Sayu yet?" It was still so hard to believe that a single day ago, the man who had, in a way, been the father of both of them had been alive. Matsuda had only just managed to process that he had quit the police, and now he was gone and never coming back.

He supposed that unlike Light, who had so much lifespan left, Matsuda didn't need to worry about it. Not for much longer, at least.

He had heard of people going mad when they knew the exact day they would die. However, he had also heard that inmates on Death Row were abnormally calm. It may be selfish, as perhaps he deserved to go mad for what he had done, but he hoped he would be able to maintain resolve, at least for everyone else's sake.

Light pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them close for a moment, a gesture that showed just how young he was. He had still been a child when he started this case. "Not yet," he whispered, "Mom doesn't even know I'm back from LA yet, since Misa's still there for her movie. I just—I don't—" his thin shoulders started shaking, and Matsuda pulled him close, so Light's head was resting on his shoulder.

Matsuda pursed his lips to keep from crying too. Light didn't need that right now, and when Matsuda thought about it, Soichiro's death had been his fault, too busy crying over Miheal to notice someone about to shoot him, and of course, pure-hearted Soichiro would not let someone die like that, not even a murderer.

It would have been better if he had just let Matsuda die there, and instead stayed alive with his family who had already needed him more than ever.

"I thought it was enough," Light whispered as his shaking turned to actual crying, speaking probably more to himself than anything else, "I—I'm sorry, Dad."

Would Light blame himself for Matsuda's death too? He hoped not, but he remembered Light having said he was going to take the Shinigami eyes. So he supposed he should use this time he had left to help Light with his grief.

Light suddenly straightened as though he hadn't been crying at all, wiping his eyes, "Sorry. You shouldn't have needed to see that," he looked away in shame, and Matsuda put a hand on his shoulder,

"It's okay, Light."

"No, Matsuda, it's not," Light snapped, "I know Mello was a threat, but why couldn't we have not had anyone take the eyes, or better yet just shoot Mello point-blank?! That would have gotten the job done just as well, and it's not like your eyes even served their intended purpose anyway, and it's not even your fault!"

"What do you mean?"

"Remember on the plane? I asked you what had happened, and you told me that the guy who shot Dad had been playing dead and facing away from you?" Matsuda frowned. Had he said that? He wouldn't be surprised, but he also didn't remember saying it. It didn't matter as Light continued, "I deduced that you had to be seeing someone's face or at least their eyes to see their name and lifespan and make sure they're dead, so that means the whole thing with you getting the Shinigami eyes was _pointless!_ So now you're going to die when a gun would have done the job even better!" Light punched the sand a bit, before composing himself again. 

Matsuda deflated, realizing that his eyes had been just as worthless as he was. Maybe they would have been more useful if someone else got them, or perhaps he had just been that unlucky.

He sighed, "Light, you were close to Ryuzaki, right?"

Light straightened, a dark look in his eyes, "Why are you asking?"

"Do you think he was close to Miheal? Did he say anything about it?"

"Um..." Light's expression became haunted as he looked out at the waters, gently holding his left wrist, which was more heavily scarred than the other, even if they both were. "I can't remember anything, but he wouldn't have told me anything like that, since I was the prime Kira suspect and all." He scoffed a bit, "Look at that," he drawled sarcastically, "I found a use for your eyes."

"But the 13-day rule proves your innocence too," Matsuda offered, and Light huffed,

"Yeah, and Ryuzaki died the moment he suggested testing the rule, which makes that whole thing seem fake as hell, and Rem was just trying to cover it up. The only reason I didn't try it again was that I'm a coward." He smiled a bit to Matsuda, "But even if it screws me over, I hope it is fake because that means I won't have to lose you too."

Matsuda looked away, not wanting to get Light's hope up. It was better to just shoot it down now, "Even if the rule is fake, I'll still die."

"Huh?"

"Because Kira must know by now what happened," he looked back at Light a bit, "I mean, he was able to find our headquarters, which means he probably knows all of our names and faces. Inevitably if he created a fake rule, he would kill me to ensure nobody finds out. And if he doesn't know which of us did it, he could just kill us all. For everyone's sake, let's keep this between us about the rule possibly being fake. I don't want anyone trying to suspect you again and putting you through hell when we know you're innocent."

Light looked like he was about to say something, but stopped, content to just watch the waves. Despite himself, Matsuda held Light's hand,

"Thanks for coming out here. It means a lot."

Light squeezed Matsuda's hand a bit, "Of course." 

OoOoO

In his flat, Matt sat alone with his entire body shaking as he reread the email sent to him by Halle, that they had gotten news of Mello's death. According to multiple accounts from the task force, Kira himself had contacted Soichiro Yagami and told them to retrieve the notebook at a certain point as he will have killed everyone inside the base.

Mello was dead... Kira killed him, just like L had been.

Matt choked on a sob which he stifled with his hand, "Kira... you'll pay for this..." before breaking down bawling as he fell out of his chair and onto his knees.


	3. Chapter 3

Matsuda lingered at the door to task force headquarters, his hand just inches away from the handle to let himself in. This was stupid. Why was he so worried about facing everyone? He was useless anyway, and it wasn't like anyone had tried to stop him, even if all of them had seemed disturbed at some points in the days between the agreement and the actual raid.

258 hours left. Matsuda cringed at the reality that while that number may seem like a lot, if he had any plans of a healthy sleep schedule, he could subtract 88 hours, giving him only 170 hours left. 

Deciding not to waste his fleeting seconds, he threw open the door and came in, finding everyone was already there, but judging by their positions and the fact Mogi was making coffee, they hadn't been for long.

"Good morning, Matsuda," Mogi said cheerfully, "Coffee?"

Matsuda relaxed a bit, glad that they could at least have some semblance of normalcy, but he got a look at the numbers over everyone's heads again, and he slumped as Miheal falling to the floor flashed in his mind,

"Thanks, Mogi." He sat down and noticed Aizawa was pointedly not looking at him. He wanted to say something but hesitated as his enhanced vision allowed him to see the microexpression of anger.

Now that he was looking with this curse that he had willingly taken, what he had hoped to be a normal day was nothing of the sort. Mogi's expression and the look in his eyes were not lining up at all; Ide looked clearly anxious and as though he wanted to say something, and Aizawa actually seemed to be seconds away from losing it. 

The only person who had any semblance of calm was Light, and he just seemed tired like he hadn't slept well in a while.

"So..." he tried nervously, "What did I miss yesterday?"

"Oh, nothing much," Aizawa replied with more venom than expected, his arms crossed, and he _still_ wasn't looking at Matsuda. No, he suddenly seemed to find one part of the wall to be the most fascinating thing ever. "Just no progress on the case, and now Soichiro's dead."

Matsuda tried to make himself as small as possible in his seat, looking at the floor as though he was a child who had been lectured. Aizawa may not have said much, but it was a stark reminder of his failure, recalling how his rescue parent had died saving him from gunshots when he had been too pathetic to get up on his own. 

There were all awkwardly silent until Light spun around in his chair from where he was working. "I've been putting up with the elephant in the room, but now enough is enough. Let's just talk about this so we can move forward with the case."

Matsuda tensed, still looking down at the floor, not wanting to meet everyone's gaze and seeing exactly what they felt. But he looked up hesitantly as Ide began talking,

"Didn't Kira say whoever got the eyes needed to give them up after the task was done or he'd kill him?" Ide asked, and Matsuda tensed, not having thought about that. Mogi's entire expression went blank, and Matsuda decided to speak up,

"Um... do we think Kira would even bother? I've got eleven days left, and he doesn't seem to view us as much of a threat to him. He could kill me, but while this might change everything and I could learn something, would Kira see it like that?"

"Yeah," Ide insisted, "But if you give up your eyes and renounce ownership, can't we save you from the 13-day rule?"

"No," Light sighed, "The rule specifies the _user_ will die, not the owner. Matsuda's only way to not die would be to renounce the eyes but continue to write names."

"Guess I'm a goner then," Matsuda said with cheer. He wouldn't hide the fact that he was ready to die, and had been dealing with suicide ideation for a long time, which was part of the reason he held no fear in this case. However, the reason for forcing the calm and borderline happiness in his voice was for the sake of everyone else.

Even if part of him had wanted this, he had been the one to make the Shinigami Eye deal and had been the one to kill Miheal... there was a peculiarity to the situation. Even though his choices led to this, everything still felt out of his control somehow. Light's theory about perhaps the 13-day rule was fake just increased that feeling, but since all revealing that possibility would do was screw Light over after Matsuda was gone, he was happy to keep quiet. 

"Don't talk like that, Matsuda," Mogi pursed his lips, "We'll fix this."

"Fix what? I made my bed, and I've accepted that I'm gonna have to lie in it."

_"Shut up!"_

Everyone turned in surprise at Aizawa's outburst, and Matsuda found himself terrified as he saw the fury laced into Aizawa's very being, and he was shaking, something between a snarl and a warped grin on his face as though he had well and truly snapped,

"Shut up, you _idiot!"_ Aizawa was standing now, pointing directly at Matsuda, "Are you seriously stupid enough to make us watch you die and put a positive spin on it?!"

Of all the reasons for Aizawa to be pissed—and seeing as this man was as cuddly as a cactus with everyone with very few exceptions ever—this was not anywhere close to what Matsuda expected. Did this mean that Aizawa actually cared? He felt warmed by the idea, but upon thinking over those words again, he felt the need to clear some things up, standing as well,

"I'm not making you do anything, especially not watch," he retorted, "I did what I had to do, and I'm not asking any of you to stay with me or anything. We were all ready to risk our lives and die for this cause, why is this any different?!"

"Remember what Ryuzaki said?" Aizawa snapped right back, "Risking your life and doing something you know will cost you your life are two very different things! You've basically just commit fucking suicide on us!"

At this point, Matsuda found himself growing angry too, noting that everyone else was watching with expressions that said none of them were brave enough to step in. Thought for a split second, Matsuda had wondered if Light looked downright amused, but he was pulled away from that before fully processing it.

"You think I want to die?!" Matsuda shouted.

"Yes," was the response for everyone, and he glared at them,

"Not helping, guys," he turned back to Aizawa, "You weren't expressing anything like this before when the Deputy Director argued for hours every night leading up to the raid. I made it clear I was going to do this, so why not say something before?"

"Because I didn't think you were actually going to kill someone!" 

Those words hung in the tense atmosphere as Matsuda slowly backed up, unsure whether to be flattered or offended by the fact Aizawa hadn't said anything because he hadn't thought Matsuda would go through with it.

After a few moments of heavy breathing, Matsuda got the courage to look Aizawa dead in the eye, unaware of his pupils changing to red for a split second, revealing his Shinigami eyes. And when he spoke, there was only a slight quaver, before his tone was monotone and calm,

"Well, I did." He saw the anger diffuse from Aizawa as he saw the sudden change, but Matsuda wasn't done, "It's not that I want to die or vanish into nothing, Aizawa, but even if that was the case, does anyone here have the right to give me a hard time about it?" It had always been an unspoken agreement among the group that while they were here for justice, they also wouldn't mind if they died, and had all experienced suicide ideation.

"Then what is it?" Light was the one to ask. Matsuda sighed, a little more emotion returning to his voice, 

"If I hadn't done it, Miheal would still have the notebook and by now may have killed the Deputy Director, Sayu... hell, maybe even Light. For that reason, I don't regret killing him."

He did, but only for L's sake. Not for his own. To admit how much he loved the fallen detective would be an insult to L's memory. How could he love and yet kill someone he knew must be important to his supposed loved one?

"But because I killed him," he continued, "The only way for me to live is to write names every thirteen days for the rest of my life, and I would be no better than Kira, and I would be hanged for my crimes. Using the notebook was a death sentence. I don't like it, but the deed has been done, and there is nothing I can do."

Again, the silence between them all, and Aizawa looked away, his anger seeming to have calmed, but it was still present, "I suppose you're right." That was all he said and then sat down, "Where should we look next for leads?"

"Maybe news stations?" Light offered, "If Matsuda's eyes let him see who owns a Death Note, maybe we'll find something by looking on Sakura TV?"

Matsuda nodded, "Yeah."

But what he didn't tell anyone was he could feel the notebook in the safe behind the wall. He knew exactly where it was, and the cursed thing sang to him, as though trying to lure him over to write another name and prolong his life.

Maybe Aizawa was right, and he was a suicidal idiot for not taking the chance to save himself. It didn't seem like anyone would judge him for doing so. But then he remembered Soichiro and realized it would be like spitting on that wonderful man's grave to throw away those lessons he had been taught about only killing as a last resort for the greater good.

But at the same time, Soichiro had died to save him. So would it be just as insulting to just wait for death?

He shook himself. No, this was madness. Miheal had made it personal. That was the only reason he hadn't hesitated. He wasn't a coldblooded killer who would slaughter people to save his own life.

Kira had a set goal, and the 13-day rule was just a minor inconvenience. He wasn't doing this to keep himself alive. If he was, the killings wouldn't be daily and in such great numbers. But if Matsuda were to kill just to keep himself alive...

He would just become the very monster that he was supposed to help destroy.


End file.
